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nataliya

nataliya

“Books are a uniquely portable magic.” 
― Stephen King, On Writing.

Nataliya's quotes


"If you want to know what a man's like, take a good look at how he treats his inferiors, not his equals."— J.K. Rowling

Twilight (The Twilight Saga, Book 1)

Twilight - Stephenie Meyer, Stephenie Meyer Since, according to the news, the sun is about to set on the Twilight movie franchise (because this stuff is apparently news-worthy), I will take this opportunity to share my favorite Twilight-bashing resources with you, my friends.*But wait, you say! Shouldn't I take some time to actually *review* this book? But dear friends, is there really a need for yet ANOTHER Twilight review? Because if you somehow still have no idea about this book series, I would love to borrow your tinfoil hat. I'm serious. Besides, nothing in the universe can ever compete with this very thoughtful review by Bird Brian.Anyway, how about the story of my relationship with Twilight, this Twinkie¹ of literature? ¹ Twinkie, because it's addictive to many and yet lacks any kind of substance/nutritional value besides empty calories. You watch, when the world is destroyed in nuclear explosion, cockroaches and Twinkies will be what's left on this planet. Also, I think I may have borrowed this comparison from the one and only Cleolinda Jones.Once upon a time, 5-6 years ago, I was sick with the nastiest flu and therefore was lying in bed browsing the Interwebs in the state of cough-syrup-induced befuzzlement, when somehow, via a combination of inexplicable links I came across the site that popped my Twilight cherry with the best parodies that I have yet come across:Enter Cleolinda Jones, whose incredulous snark of Twilight recaps made me the happiest person on this planet for a while:Introducing the immortal recaps of Stephenie Meyer's wish-fulfillment creations, featuring 'fursploding', 'sparklepires', and this brilliant wrap-up of the series:"And they sexed happily ever after in their magic cottage while their half-vampire toddler slept in the next room, and it was the best series starting with a teenage girl in love with a mysterious boy in her class that ended up with a teenage girl defending her growth-accelerated mutant hybrid baby from an ancient clan of evil vampires with her magical psychic shield that I ever read, THE END."Cleolinda did not stop here, however. She did watch all four Twilight movies and - bless her selfless heart - treated us to her trademark Movies in Fifteen Minutes parodies of them, which, dear reader, you can find here:Twilight in Fifteen MinutesNew Moon in Fifteen MinutesEclipse in Fifteen MinutesAnd, finally, Breaking Dawn in Fifteen Minutes (Part One)-------------Meanwhile, there was Dana who was appalled by the lack of respect for basic grammar (not to mention decent storytelling) that Twilight books showed. And therefore she created... wait for it... wait for it...The best Tumblr ever - Reasoning with VampiresI owe so much of my grammar refreshers to Dana's keen eye and never-ending patience. And, just for a taste of it, I hope I'm allowed to share my all-time favorite from this Tumblr (which I will take down immediately if there is any problem):--------------------While Dana was hard at work correcting the grammar and awful writing of Twilight, the guys over at Rifftrax.com (formerly of MST-3000 fame) were busy creating the parody mp3 tracks, that when played over the Twilight movies finally achieve the goal of turning those into hilarious, although not always PG-13, films.Among other creations of pure comedic genius, they brought us their version of the infamous Edward's lullaby, which you can see here on YouTube, complete with the following immortal lyrics:"I want to chomp into your throoooooat.And watch you bleed out on the floooooor.Then I'll bathe myself in your life essenceas you die.Tear your heart out of your chest and crack the bones and suck the marrow out. Slice into your brain for sandwiches and maybe have an omelette made of--"---------------It was only a matter of time until Mark Oshiro of 'Mark Reads...' fame decided to put himself through hours of horrified suffering, documented over here, at Mark Reads Twilight.-----------------On the other side of the Interwebs, Dan Bergstein of SparkLife decided that his time would be best spent 'Blogging Twilight'. I will not give much away by stating Dan's version of Bella's daughter's name (which can kick the original name's behind while hopping on the left foot with both hands tied behind its back): OPTIMUS BEYONCE! (Take that, Renesmee!)*The lovely original artwork is included with the recaps, by the way.--------------And finally, I have to pay my dues to the lovely and spot-on video parodies by Nathaniel Jones - complete with a breathtakingly funny voiceover narration that EVERYONE (and I mean it!) has to experience at least once in life:Twilight: The BroodeningTwilight 2: Broodening HarderTwilight: The Broodening 3 - Electric Broodaloo----------------Anyway, dear friends, we have almost survived the years of Twilight epidemic. Now it's just Twilight fanfics left to darken our days. But that, too, shall pass. Right? Right?